13 Life Lessons You Can Take Away From ‘Hocus Pocus’

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Every 90s kid knows the joy of tuning into “Hocus Pocus” when Halloween rolls around. Bette Midler makes for a scary ass witch, we bask in Sara Jessica Parker’s presence before she hits it big on the Upper East Side and we get to reminisce on the days when boys were too afraid to say the word “boobs.” (Yabos? Really, Max?) But have you ever thought about just how many solid life lessons are crammed into these 96 minutes of magic, mystery and corny child acting? We came up with 13 of them.

1. Eternal youth and beauty are highly overrated.

The three Sanderson Sisters dedicate their witchy lives to attempting to suck the souls of children so they can remain young and beautiful forever. Ultimately, they were hanged for their offenses and, upon their spellbound return, exploded into glittery clouds of witch dust. Not worth it.

2. Change is inevitable, so you might as well embrace it.

Max Denison clearly had a tough time adjusting in his family’s drastic relocation from California to Salem — as would any high school student. But his blunt and observant sister Dani said it well when she said, “This is your home now, so get used to it.” You can’t really live unless you accept your starting point.

3. Breaking and entering is never a good idea.

It doesn’t matter if it’s your best friend’s house when they’re not home or the abandoned witch cottage-turned-museum on Halloween. Just don’t do it. Oh, and try to avoid lighting black-flamed candles while you’re at it.

4. Black cats are simply misunderstood creatures.

Poor Binx… He was just trying to save his little sister — not run around for centuries creeping people out. But he was the opposite of bad luck for his fellow protagonists. We think we should all show black cats a little more love, especially the magical ones that talk.

5. Book smarts go a long way.

The Sanderson Sisters were pretty, dare we say, ineffective without their magical book of spells by their sides. They could have stood to memorize a few of those chants, couldn’t they? Knowledge is power, friends.

6. Resentment dies hard.

Billy, Sister Winifred’s unfaithful lover who returns as a seemingly aloof zombie, is just as furious with this witch as the rest of 20th-century mortals dealing with her greed, anger and spellbinding bitchiness. After all, she did poison him and sew his mouth shut with a dull needle so he couldn’t tell her secrets, even in death.

7. Music really is one of the most enchanting things in life.

And it doesn’t discriminate! All the children of the town were mesmerized by the sound of Sister Sarah’s creepy, let-me-suck-your-soul lullaby, so much so that they zombie-walked their way to the witches’ home in the middle of the woods. Meanwhile, all the adults, hypnotized by Witch Winifred’s stage debut, partied on until dawn under the spell of her aptly named song.

8. Never underestimate the power of good housecleaning tools.

Seriously — did you see them fly through the air on those ancient brooms, mops and vacuum cleaners?! Our Sunday sprucing efforts are about to get a lot more interesting…

9. Salt really is magical. 

Mmm, salt. It makes virtually any food taste better, and it can protect you from being abducted by a witch. Dare we say, this seasoning is the one with true magical powers.

10. We do a lot of crazy, stupid things for our loved ones — and it’s totally worth it.

Binx’s failed attempt to save his little sister allowed him to help the other three face off with the Sanderson Sisters — and actually win. And Max drinking the youth-sucking potion ultimately prevented Dani from being forced to do so, thus saving her life. Big brothers FTW!

11. Tomorrow’s a new day.

In the cases of Max, Dani and Allison, the previous day’s problems are literally reduced to stardust the moment dawn arrives. Not a bad way to press the reset button, eh?

12. Bullies always have it coming to them… always.

In this case, they’re left in hanging bird cages in an abandoned witch cottage after picking on the new guy and stealing all the local kids’ trick-or-treating candy. Behaving like human garbages doesn’t really sound like the way to go, does it?

13. Don’t mess with the bonds of family.

Regardless of whether you revere the Sanderson Sisters for sticking together through centuries, the Denison kids for being super sweet and supportive siblings or Thackery Binx for his undying drive to reunite with his little sister’s spirit, it’s clear that family loyalty runs deep.

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